Words in Edgewise

After feeling guilty for putting God off for almost two days, and after getting myself into deep trouble with a water filter that wouldn't seal completely, I gave up and went upstairs to subdue the rising panic. I wrote in my journal (yesterday's blog post) and sorted through my erroneous theology about God's love being dependent on my behavior. I began to feel better, feeling like I'd finally given God the attention I was "supposed" to give Him the day and the hours before my filter fiasco. Here's what I wrote next:

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February 4, 2012 Journal, continued
"Because I feel better, I'm tempted to run off and try to finish up with the water filter. My cause-and-effect belief system is tempting me to hope that NOW the filter will cooperate. NOW that I've sat down with You like I "should have" yesterday and first thing this morning, NOW that I've gotten my priorities right...NOW it will work, right?

Two things: 1.) there's that "gotta earn it" system again, and 2.) have I really honored You in this time, or have I just worked through some thoughts about it? I haven't given You my full attention. It's been all about me and my filter issue and my earning-Your-favor issue. I have heard You softly speak to me, saying:

Your love stands, regardless of my whim-led choices that push You aside.
You are my best choice; all else is lesser.
I love You and want You.
I miss You when I don't choose You.

But all these gentle words have come to me "edge wise." While I've been doing so much talking You've slipped them in, between my many words. What if You want to say something else to me? What if You want me to be quiet and still, after You've let me pour out my heart to You, and hear You say something else to me? Maybe something that has nothing to do with my present circumstances of the morning. Maybe You wanted to say it to me yesterday.

I am distracted. By hunger. By a washer full of clothes. By a filter and casing sitting on the shelf in the basement instead of in their place in the filtration system. Can I listen to You now with all that clamouring at my mind?

(A little later) I chose a lesser thing - my stomach - staving off the distraction of hunger, hoping it will help me hear. Will it? Or did it just stop up my ears? ...Eat, drink, my attention divided. A few more moments I have put You off.

But You are Emmanuel, God With Us. God with me. Oh, how I love You for that humbling and magnificent gift. You! With me!Enjoying cookies and milk and a beautifully created, begging kitty. Gifts around. Grace abounds. Thank You for cookies. Thank You for milk. Thank you for Bobo (begging kitty). Thank You for the warmth of a fire in our stove. For blue skies outside and Your love inside. You are amazing God. Thank You for waiting. Thank You for Your glorious humility, Your grace.

And now the dog wants out!"

---I'm learning that when I give God my full attention and let the clamouring things go, that He blesses me with peace.  When I come to Him - not out of duty, or guilt, or a fear that He will be displeased with me - but to simply experience His presence and be with Him, I find that the clutter in my head and heart slip away. When I focus on Him, on who He is, how He loves me, what He's done, peace enters. It's as if I exhale all else and breathe Him in. It fills my heart with calm. I see how amazing He is. And I see how much He wants to bless me with Himself.

That's why He wants us to sit with Him. Not because He wants obedient servants, which He does, but because He wants to give us Himself. He absolutely wants us to pour out our hearts to Him. But He also wants us to listen. He wants to teach us how to listen. He invites us to take the time with Him to learn how. During those two days of my journal I had felt that invitation, and I pushed it aside for lesser things. When I ended up in a significant problem with the water filter, I was stopped in my tracks. At an impasse (why is it only when I reach an impasse?) I finally decided to let it all go - my agenda - and sit with Him. I felt the comfort of laying my heart on the table before Him. But I wasn't listening. I was still full of clutter. Still He blessed me.

I'm so thankful that He is the God of all comfort, that He invites us to pour out our hearts to Him (Psalm 62:8) and that He is with us. I'm thankful He wants to say things to me, too. I'm thankful He is so loving, so humble, so gracious, and so patient that He condescends to having to slip in words edge wise with me. And that He is pleased, even then, when I hear them.