After feeling guilty for putting God off for almost two days, and after getting myself into deep trouble with a water filter that wouldn't seal completely, I gave up and went upstairs to subdue the rising panic. I wrote in my journal (yesterday's blog post) and sorted through my erroneous theology about God's love being dependent on my behavior. I began to feel better, feeling like I'd finally given God the attention I was "supposed" to give Him the day and the hours before my filter fiasco. Here's what I wrote next:
- - - - -
February 4, 2012 Journal, continued
"Because I feel better, I'm tempted to run off and try to finish up with the water filter. My cause-and-effect belief system is tempting me to hope that NOW the filter will cooperate. NOW that I've sat down with You like I "should have" yesterday and first thing this morning, NOW that I've gotten my priorities right...NOW it will work, right?
Two things: 1.) there's that "gotta earn it" system again, and 2.) have I really honored You in this time, or have I just worked through some thoughts about it? I haven't given You my full attention. It's been all about me and my filter issue and my earning-Your-favor issue. I have heard You softly speak to me, saying:
Your love stands, regardless of my whim-led choices that push You aside.
You are my best choice; all else is lesser.
I love You and want You.
I miss You when I don't choose You.
But all these gentle words have come to me "edge wise." While I've been doing so much talking You've slipped them in, between my many words. What if You want to say something else to me? What if You want me to be quiet and still, after You've let me pour out my heart to You, and hear You say something else to me? Maybe something that has nothing to do with my present circumstances of the morning. Maybe You wanted to say it to me yesterday.
I am distracted. By hunger. By a washer full of clothes. By a filter and casing sitting on the shelf in the basement instead of in their place in the filtration system. Can I listen to You now with all that clamouring at my mind?
(A little later) I chose a lesser thing - my stomach - staving off the distraction of hunger, hoping it will help me hear. Will it? Or did it just stop up my ears? ...Eat, drink, my attention divided. A few more moments I have put You off.
But You are Emmanuel, God With Us. God with me. Oh, how I love You for that humbling and magnificent gift. You! With me!Enjoying cookies and milk and a beautifully created, begging kitty. Gifts around. Grace abounds. Thank You for cookies. Thank You for milk. Thank you for Bobo (begging kitty). Thank You for the warmth of a fire in our stove. For blue skies outside and Your love inside. You are amazing God. Thank You for waiting. Thank You for Your glorious humility, Your grace.
And now the dog wants out!"
---I'm learning that when I give God my full attention and let the clamouring things go, that He blesses me with peace. When I come to Him - not out of duty, or guilt, or a fear that He will be displeased with me - but to simply experience His presence and be with Him, I find that the clutter in my head and heart slip away. When I focus on Him, on who He is, how He loves me, what He's done, peace enters. It's as if I exhale all else and breathe Him in. It fills my heart with calm. I see how amazing He is. And I see how much He wants to bless me with Himself.
That's why He wants us to sit with Him. Not because He wants obedient servants, which He does, but because He wants to give us Himself. He absolutely wants us to pour out our hearts to Him. But He also wants us to listen. He wants to teach us how to listen. He invites us to take the time with Him to learn how. During those two days of my journal I had felt that invitation, and I pushed it aside for lesser things. When I ended up in a significant problem with the water filter, I was stopped in my tracks. At an impasse (why is it only when I reach an impasse?) I finally decided to let it all go - my agenda - and sit with Him. I felt the comfort of laying my heart on the table before Him. But I wasn't listening. I was still full of clutter. Still He blessed me.
I'm so thankful that He is the God of all comfort, that He invites us to pour out our hearts to Him (Psalm 62:8) and that He is with us. I'm thankful He wants to say things to me, too. I'm thankful He is so loving, so humble, so gracious, and so patient that He condescends to having to slip in words edge wise with me. And that He is pleased, even then, when I hear them.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Conditional Love?
We live off the grid. That means we're not connected to any electrical system or water system. Our electricity comes from solar panels and our water from the roof. Rain and snow-melt are collected into two large cisterns, one underground and one above ground. To get water into the house, we pump water from one cistern into a pressurizing tank in our small basement. When a demand is placed on the tank, by turning on a faucet, the water runs through two filters that clean it up for us. We've never had it tested so we still can't drink it or cook with it, but it's fine for everything else.
Here's a Part 1 of a journal entry I wrote in February on a weekend when my husband was out of town and I was alone. It's about changing a water filter, pushing God aside, lesser things, cause-and-effect love, and hearing God.
- - - - - -
February 4, 2012
I didn't have any quiet/connect time with God yesterday. Got up and right at things. I kept meaning to..."a little later." I had a nice day but it felt empty. I felt sad over my neglect of spending time with God. And a little guilty, too.
This morning I've built a fire, walked the dog (we were dog sitting), sorted laundry, started a load in the washer. [Our water situation requires that I pump the tank full of water, fill the washer, stop the washer, pump the tank full of water again, and finally restart the washer. This ensures I don't forget to fill up the pressurizing tank for the rinse cycle. If I forget, I could burn up the washing machine!] I was going to pump water to continue the load of laundry and then I saw the ugly black water filters in serious need of changing. "I'm just going to do them real quick" before I pump water again, restart the washer and then sit down for some God time.
Well, I'm stuck. The black filter jar WILL NOT go all the way on. There's a gap of about 1/16" and the label is at 10 o'clock instead of tightened down to 6 o'clock. It's perfectly clean - both sets of threads - but it won't go on!
Trying to find the joy. I tried downstairs [in the basement where the tank is]. I'm frustrated and feeling next to tears at my helplessness. I don't KNOW what the problem is. I can't muscle it around to tight. There's a gap. Something's wrong, but nothing's wrong! If I don't get that on right it will leak all over. If it won't go on right, I'm without water.
Lord, my first response is to think You're punishing me for not spending time with you yesterday. My first response! Why is that? Do I really still live by such notions in my relationship with You? You are grace. You are love. You delight in me. You are mindful that I am but dust. I am weak and flighty and selfish. I continually seek after my own fulfillment and the satisfying of my own whims. One whim leads me to another and then I've pushed You away all day. You can wait, while I say "no" to You all day! (Yesterday.) Or all morning. (Today.)
But still You love me. Still You wait for me. Still You rejoice over me with singing. Me! The one who pushes You aside time after time choosing lesser things and activities.
"Joy is always here because God is always here."
"Gifts around. Grace abounds.
I just put those words into the "marquee" screen saver of my laptop. You are calling me to practice them. I'm glad I stopped fretting with the filter and came up here to meet You. I love You and You are the greater thing I want to choose first each day. Each opportunity.
- - - - -
Lesson learned? Not quite. My journal entry continues in my next post.
Here's a Part 1 of a journal entry I wrote in February on a weekend when my husband was out of town and I was alone. It's about changing a water filter, pushing God aside, lesser things, cause-and-effect love, and hearing God.
- - - - - -
February 4, 2012
I didn't have any quiet/connect time with God yesterday. Got up and right at things. I kept meaning to..."a little later." I had a nice day but it felt empty. I felt sad over my neglect of spending time with God. And a little guilty, too.
This morning I've built a fire, walked the dog (we were dog sitting), sorted laundry, started a load in the washer. [Our water situation requires that I pump the tank full of water, fill the washer, stop the washer, pump the tank full of water again, and finally restart the washer. This ensures I don't forget to fill up the pressurizing tank for the rinse cycle. If I forget, I could burn up the washing machine!] I was going to pump water to continue the load of laundry and then I saw the ugly black water filters in serious need of changing. "I'm just going to do them real quick" before I pump water again, restart the washer and then sit down for some God time.
Well, I'm stuck. The black filter jar WILL NOT go all the way on. There's a gap of about 1/16" and the label is at 10 o'clock instead of tightened down to 6 o'clock. It's perfectly clean - both sets of threads - but it won't go on!
Trying to find the joy. I tried downstairs [in the basement where the tank is]. I'm frustrated and feeling next to tears at my helplessness. I don't KNOW what the problem is. I can't muscle it around to tight. There's a gap. Something's wrong, but nothing's wrong! If I don't get that on right it will leak all over. If it won't go on right, I'm without water.
Lord, my first response is to think You're punishing me for not spending time with you yesterday. My first response! Why is that? Do I really still live by such notions in my relationship with You? You are grace. You are love. You delight in me. You are mindful that I am but dust. I am weak and flighty and selfish. I continually seek after my own fulfillment and the satisfying of my own whims. One whim leads me to another and then I've pushed You away all day. You can wait, while I say "no" to You all day! (Yesterday.) Or all morning. (Today.)
But still You love me. Still You wait for me. Still You rejoice over me with singing. Me! The one who pushes You aside time after time choosing lesser things and activities.
"Joy is always here because God is always here."
"Gifts around. Grace abounds.
I just put those words into the "marquee" screen saver of my laptop. You are calling me to practice them. I'm glad I stopped fretting with the filter and came up here to meet You. I love You and You are the greater thing I want to choose first each day. Each opportunity.
- - - - -
Lesson learned? Not quite. My journal entry continues in my next post.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
A Sacred Work
Before the church service ended, she began sobbing. Her husband enfolded her in his arms. In the middle of a row, surrounded by people, she leaned into his chest and cried. He didn't try to make her stop, didn't try to hustle her off, or look around apologetically. He just held her. Occasionally her soft wails rose above the voice of communion. A final song. A final prayer. Still she cried.
The service over now, people made their way outside. I couldn't leave. Captivated by this woman and what was going on in her heart, I prayed for her as I lingered toward the back. The pastor leaned over a chair and spoke briefly to her husband. I imagine he said something like, “Stay as long as you need. I'll be just outside.”
It was the day after the church's first 24/7 prayer week and God was moving. Artists and prayer team members had been working for months to create a soothing, inspiring place for us to meet with God. The prayer stations invited quiet reflection, scripture meditation, worship, and meeting with God in a deeply personal way. God was indeed moving, in and amongst His people, drawing us closer to Him.
As I remained in the back of the church, occasionally letting my eyes drift back to this woman, I appreciated that no one moved in to “make it all better.” Some gave quiet affirmations to her husband and made tissues available, but it stood out that people respected their privacy, her need. Sometimes we Christians can be uncomfortable with such raw pain. There's a temptation to race in prematurely with noble attempts to resolve it. We want to hurry the process of recovery from such a vulnerable outpouring.
Not this day. People seemed to know she was doing business with God. Better said, God was doing business with her. I marvelled to myself, “God is doing a sacred work in her. Right now, right here.” I don't know what that work was, but I knew at that very moment I was witnessing God's sacred work in an individual. I felt privileged to be there and be part of it through my prayers and compassion toward this dear woman.
God's heart is to work in my life, too. To transform it into one that knows and loves Him more this minute than the last. I know He is always working in us, but witnessing His work in action in someone's life so dramatically has given me new eyes for it. “Do Your sacred work in me” became my prayer that day.
“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6, NASB)
“fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith...” (Hebrews 12:2, NASB)
“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purposes.” (Romans 8:28, NASB)
That He works in us is amazing.
That He transforms us is astounding.
His work in us is holy.
His work in us is a sacred work.
I want to be changed. I want to be transformed. I need His sacred work in me.
Do Your sacred work in me, Lord!
The service over now, people made their way outside. I couldn't leave. Captivated by this woman and what was going on in her heart, I prayed for her as I lingered toward the back. The pastor leaned over a chair and spoke briefly to her husband. I imagine he said something like, “Stay as long as you need. I'll be just outside.”
It was the day after the church's first 24/7 prayer week and God was moving. Artists and prayer team members had been working for months to create a soothing, inspiring place for us to meet with God. The prayer stations invited quiet reflection, scripture meditation, worship, and meeting with God in a deeply personal way. God was indeed moving, in and amongst His people, drawing us closer to Him.
As I remained in the back of the church, occasionally letting my eyes drift back to this woman, I appreciated that no one moved in to “make it all better.” Some gave quiet affirmations to her husband and made tissues available, but it stood out that people respected their privacy, her need. Sometimes we Christians can be uncomfortable with such raw pain. There's a temptation to race in prematurely with noble attempts to resolve it. We want to hurry the process of recovery from such a vulnerable outpouring.
Not this day. People seemed to know she was doing business with God. Better said, God was doing business with her. I marvelled to myself, “God is doing a sacred work in her. Right now, right here.” I don't know what that work was, but I knew at that very moment I was witnessing God's sacred work in an individual. I felt privileged to be there and be part of it through my prayers and compassion toward this dear woman.
God's heart is to work in my life, too. To transform it into one that knows and loves Him more this minute than the last. I know He is always working in us, but witnessing His work in action in someone's life so dramatically has given me new eyes for it. “Do Your sacred work in me” became my prayer that day.
“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6, NASB)
“fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith...” (Hebrews 12:2, NASB)
“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purposes.” (Romans 8:28, NASB)
That He works in us is amazing.
That He transforms us is astounding.
His work in us is holy.
His work in us is a sacred work.
I want to be changed. I want to be transformed. I need His sacred work in me.
Do Your sacred work in me, Lord!
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