Find What You're Looking For

This past summer I bought Amy Grant's new CD, Somewhere Down The Road.  It was my CD of the summer and I have loved it.  One of her songs talks about how we can either look for the good in people or  or look for the bad in people.  Either way, we'll find what we're looking for.  Guaranteed.  In every person is good and bad.  We will find what we're looking for.

Recently, it came to my attention that this concept applies to my fear, too.  Being a "fraidy cat" as I am, I tend to always have my guard up.  I'm always on the look-out for danger and threats.  It's as if internally and subconsciously I have a radio scanner going, scanning for trouble.  I stand with my own sword and shield (instead of God's sword and shield) at the ready to defend against whatever might do me harm. Fear is my signal that something is threatening.  Only problem is, my history and my junk create a whole boat-load of perceived dangers and I end up afraid of more than I need to be afraid of, more than I should be afraid of.

The other day, I realized that if I have my guard up and my radio scanner on, looking for things to be afraid of...I will find them.  There are plenty of things to be afraid of in this world.  Add to them the things I exaggerate or make up, and "dangers" (whether real or perceived) are everywhere.  I can become besieged, stagnant and frozen.  That's not how God wants me to live.  That's not the kind of life Christ died to give me.

So, I'm on a new adventure, trying to NOT look for things to be afraid of in any given circumstance.  Or person.  Sometimes, my fear can totally mess up my relationships with people.  If I'm always on guard looking for the things that trigger my fear warning bells, then I'm going to find them in people.  I don't want to live like that any more.  I want to live freely, fully, and joyfully.  I want to look for the joy, the opportunity, the love, the blessing.  I want to look for GOD in every circumstance and in every encounter and relationship.  I will certainly find what I'm looking for.

The What Ifs

"He will not fear evil tidings; His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is upheld, he will not fear."  ~Psalm 112:7-8a

There it was: one of my worst fears staring back at me as I looked out the sandwich shop window.  A knot of fear barged in and took up residence within me as I looked at a sky filled with the huge black and orange plumes of a forest fire burning about 20 miles away.  It was June and the trees of our drought stricken forests contained less moisture than the average two-by-four. We learned later that the first few hours of the fire saw it spread from several hundred acres to 50,000 acres.

The fire was in the direction from which our winds always come. If firefighters didn't get a handle on this thing, it could rage right through town.  We live another 20 or so miles beyond the town and though we were safe for the time being, the threat was getting more and more aggressive with each passing day.  And day after day, the fire continued to beat the firefighters.

Several parts of town had been on a one-hour evacuation alert ever since the very first day.  That meant if an evacuation were called, they would have one hour to get out of town.  For days, all around town, parking lots were filled with cars loaded up with valuables, pets, necessities, and with boats and trailers hitched up. People couldn't risk the chance of an evacuation being called while they were at the grocery store.  They wouldn't have time to go back home and get their pets and valuables, so they took them with them everywhere.  It was surreal and all of it added to my fear.  What if the fire hits town?  What if it levels the town?  What if there's no economy left?  What if everyone moves away? 

On the fifth day, the evacuation of over 20,000 people was ordered. Townspeople were scattered all over the area and even all over the state.  Some friends and their pets came to stay with us.  We tuned into the press conferences 2-3 times per day.  Every day was the same: no progress, zero containment of "the monster".    Sheriff's officers came by with pamphlets about how to prepare for evacuation.  Let me tell you, I was way ahead of them with photos, heirlooms, valuables, paperwork, pet supplies and more being collected into storage bins in the living room.  That knot in my stomach was turning into an ulcer.

I was plagued with fear and the What Ifs pulled at me like an undertow in the ocean.  What if we have to evacuate? What if our house burns down?  What if it turns our woods into a charred wasteland?  What if we have to move away?  What if we can't sell the land?  What if we have to stay? What if we don't get enough insurance money to rebuild?  On and on they needled me, jabbing me with fresh fear thoughout each day.  I remember cherishing those first few seconds of the morning before I was fully awake, when I did not yet remember about the fire and our circumstances. Those brief moments were the only time I felt normal or safe.  For those few seconds only, I didn't feel the gnawing pain in my stomach caused by my fear of the fire and all that it could take from me.  All too quickly, reality invaded my awakening mind, and the knot and fear would be back.

It took well into the next week for the happy news to come over the TV from our favorite fire spokesman.  Five percent containment!  Woohoo!  We rejoiced as if the fire was over entirely. Finally there was a shred of hope. With this happy news I began to exhale. The crisis had abated by just 5% but it allowed me to catch my breath and shake off the panic.  Somehow ---God must have plopped it right into my being (another "jump start" I suppose) --- I realized what I need to do when I'm faced with an onslaught of the What Ifs.  Most people say to ignore the What Ifs. Don't go there, they day.  Don't worry about what hasn't happened yet. Don't borrow trouble, etc.  Contrary to this, one day during evacuation, I found myself seriously asking all the questions that had been circling around me like sharks, sharks that I knew were there but kept trying to ignore.

Then, cha-ching, the so-obvious-it-escaped-me method of dealing with the What Ifs unfolded for me.  Not only did I start asking  the haunting What Ifs, I actually began to answer them!   "WHAT IF we have to evacuate?"  "Well," I answered, "we have about seven family members that we could go stay with in the state. We have a bunch of friends that we could stay with, too.  People would help us.  OK, if we had to evacuate, we wouldn't be out on the street."

Next up: "WHAT IF our house burns down?"  "OK, it would be sad.  Very sad. We'd lose some precious things, and it would hurt a lot.  We'd have to start over.  We have insurance so we'd get another home built somewhere.  It would be an inconvenience and a sadness for a long time, but we wouldn't be homeless."

On and on I went, imagining myself in the very situations that had taunted me all week.  As I answered the What Ifs, I found they lost their power over me.  Facing them and seeing them straight on,  I saw they were not as frightening as they were when they hovered around my periphery. I discovered that, though it would be sad, difficult, and inconvenient, it wouldn't be the end of the world.  I learned that I could get through it with God's help.

I think what makes the What Ifs so frightening and stressful is the huge element of the unknown they contain. When I go ahead and ask AND answer them, it takes the threats, the challenges, and the issues out of the realm of the unexplored and places them into the realm of the explored. They seem to lose quite a bit of their power over me that way.  And it snaps me out of my panic mode and helps usher me into trusting God.

One week after the evacuation was called, it was lifted.  Over 450 structures were lost in the fire that burned 465,000 acres before it was finished.  Two of our friends lost their homes.  It was a difficult and emotional time.  "The Fire" seemed to consume the entire summer right along with all those miles of forest. 

I took away a great lesson from that whole ordeal.  It's a lesson that pairs nicely with my "Though He Slay Me" experience through which I realized that even if God allowed "the worst" to happen in my life, He would be the only means of me getting through it.  They both lead me to TRUST Him with whatever I'm afraid of.  Now, when assaulted with the What Ifs, I try to remember early on to go ahead and ask.  And answer.  Answering them makes me realize I have God's provision, help and strength available to see me through whatever "what if" scenario might come to pass. This in turn helps me TRUST Him and find rest from much of my fear.

Fear and Trust in a Train Station

"Lord, all my desire is before Thee; and my sighing is not hidden from Thee.  My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me."   ~Psalm 38:9-10

Next to this verse, written in the margin of a worn Bible of mine, is the date July 3, 1984.  I was so scared as the train I was on arrived in Germany. It was my first time in a country that didn't speak English. I was alone. It was the middle of the night, and I had to change trains. But first I had a two hour layover. 

Did I mention that it was in the middle of the night?  In a foreign country?  It was also in an underground train station.  In the middle of the ni.... well you get the picture:  I was scared.  No, I was gripped with fear. And didn't know how to deal with it. To be honest, in my naivete, I think I was mostly afraid of the train change. I was so afraid of getting on the wrong train. But I also felt an overall vulnerability and I didn't know what awaited me.
I prayed for the concerns in my heart:  protection, someone safe to help direct me, that I'd get on the right train. Still, fear was squeezing my heart. 

About 20 minutes away from the station, I reached for my Bible to calm my fears. I leafed through the Psalms, the comforting Psalms, and found this verse.


"Lord, all my desire is before Thee, and my sighing is not hidden from Thee."  (Psalm 38:9-10)

The words of the psalmist, spoken from his own overwhelming experience, seemed to reach into every cell of my body.  It brought me comfort just to hear those words.  They brought me to what I needed to do.  As I read this verse, I seemed to throw all my "desire", all my emotion and fear, out in front of me and before God saying, "Here it is. Help me." 

I was still afraid, I still felt the squeeze on my heart, but it was much less than it was before.  Somehow the words of a comrade in the trenches of an overwhelming battle enticed me to take hold of all the fear in my heart and place it before God.  I think that may have been the first time I actually trusted Him with my fears, rather than simply panicking in front of Him through prayer.

As I remember the situation, I had thought the American guy sitting near me on the train, with whom I had had some conversation during our ride, would be a help and comfort to me during my layover.  But no.  He seemed to specifically not want anything to do with being chivalrous to a young lady alone in a foreign underground train station in the middle of the night.  Once he got himself and his huge backpack off the train, he charged off on his personal mission. I was on my own.

Once I got off the train and saw how nearly vacant the place was, I realized just how vulnerable my situation was. The only place for me to ask a question about my next train was inside a bar. As I went in, it was the very definition of "seedy looking". Dark. Gloomy yellow lights scattered here and there throughout the place. Men whose heads all turned when this 24 year old girl came walking in alone at 2:00 in the morning. But the bartender helped me. He told me where my next train would arrive. 
Still feeling fearful, I was peeved at the American guy and his lack of compassion for my situation. I thought he must have been in a hurry to catch his own train but I later saw him leaning against a wall with his backpack, simply waiting.  I was on my own, without a protector, as far as people go.  

In hindsight, I see that this was one of those "good" things that seemed on the surface to not be good. I was on my own; I had to trust God.  The work of trust I experienced on the train approaching the station required a continued trust throughout my two hour wait. 

The comfort I received from reading the words of another desperate soul has stuck with me over all these years.  This verse reminds me how I can cast all my anxiety on Him because He cares for me (1 Peter 5:7).  More than just the statement of fact in 1 Peter, this verse in the Psalms was like getting a glimpse of someone actually doing it.  And it helped me do it.

God protected me during my two hour wait. He kept me safe while I "enjoyed" the company of a drunken Asian guy who joined me on my lone train platform in a dead-end alcove. And I did indeed make it onto the right train. I will always remember that situation. The fear, the real vulnerability, the comfort from the Psalms, and the trust in God joined together to make a milestone experience for me.

"casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you."  ~ 1 Peter 5:7

Besieged

"Blessed be the Lord for He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city."  ~Psalm 31:21

A strategy of war is to cut off a city from all it's connection with the outside world.  In biblical times cities were often contained within high walls erected to keep enemies out.  Sometimes, however, an enemy would surround the city, making it impossible for anyone of the city to come or go from it's gates.  Without access to the outside, food could not be brought in from the fields or water from the wells.  The objective of the enemy was that as food and supplies dwindled, the people would become desperate for their lives and give themselves over into their hands.

Have you ever felt like fear had you besieged?  I sure have.  Sometimes fear has surrounded me on all sides and blocked off all influx of what I needed to live appropriately.  Rational thought? Cut off.  Common sense? Cut off.  Thought for others?  Cut off.  Strength from God?  Cut off.  Comfort? Hope? Cut off.

When I get so twisted up by fear, God is still there.  So why can't I access Him? Why can't He get through?

I have come to know that when I can't find God in the midst of my fear - in the midst of a fear induced besiegement - it is because I am focusing on my fear rather than focusing on God.  My back it to God while my face is to my fear.  "Where are You,  God?", I shout into my fear.  He replies from behind me, "I am here. Turn to Me."

The amazing thing about our God is that He will even help us turn to Him.  He delights in our baby steps.
"Lord, help me turn to You."  There is also our choice involved.  And we can call upon Him to help us make that choice.  When I get afraid, I can choose to look to Him by reciting scripture to myself, listing off truths about Him and His love, and physically grabbing my Bible and reading His word to us.  Pretty soon, my focus is off my fear because it is on Him. Focusing on Him REPLACED my fear. 

The whole concept of turning is the definition of repentance.  The word "repent" means "to turn".  It's not just a matter of turning FROM fear; it's a matter of turning TO Him.  In fact, I don't think that turning FROM (fear or sin) by itself will really do us any good.  We have to turn TO Jesus.  In fact, I believe that it is by turning to Jesus that we accomplish the turning from we need to do. We actually turn from fear BY turning to Him.

And by turning TO Him, we have eyes to see the lovingkindness He wants to give us.  He loves us so dearly that we can dare to ask Him to show us His love for us.  In the midst of our struggles and failures with fear, He stands ready to show us His love.  He is always ready to marvel us with His detailed love for us even in the midst of my tangle with fear. 

Blessed be the Lord for He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city."

Stubborn As A.....

"Do not be as the horse or as the mule which have no understanding, whose trappings include bit and bridle to hold them in check, otherwise they will not come near to you."    ~ Psalm 32:9

Boy, does that verse describe my struggles with God over His definition of safety!  Not a very pleasant description, but it has been true of me more often than I care to admit.

That verse directly and unflatteringly addressed my whole struggle with resisting the provision of God's protection - which was not safe enough for me, according to my master, Fear.

Fear can still keep me away from God.  It can even make me struggle against Him, requiring a "bit and a bridle otherwise I will not come near" to Him.  What a shame it is when I will not come near to the very source of peace and comfort in the midst of my fear! 

There's a trail to follow here.  I resist because I'm afraid.  I'm afraid because I don't trust His love for me.   Perfect love casts out fear. (I John 4:18)  Only God perfectly loves.  As I BELIEVE His love and TRUST His love, my fear gets casts out.  It gets replaced.  Because "there is no fear in love" (also 1 John 4:18), when I choose to trust His love, fear gets shoved aside as my master. With eyes on the One True Master, and the immensity of His love for me, I am more eager for His nearness and resting in His love than I am in "trusting" my fear.