The What Ifs

"He will not fear evil tidings; His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is upheld, he will not fear."  ~Psalm 112:7-8a

There it was: one of my worst fears staring back at me as I looked out the sandwich shop window.  A knot of fear barged in and took up residence within me as I looked at a sky filled with the huge black and orange plumes of a forest fire burning about 20 miles away.  It was June and the trees of our drought stricken forests contained less moisture than the average two-by-four. We learned later that the first few hours of the fire saw it spread from several hundred acres to 50,000 acres.

The fire was in the direction from which our winds always come. If firefighters didn't get a handle on this thing, it could rage right through town.  We live another 20 or so miles beyond the town and though we were safe for the time being, the threat was getting more and more aggressive with each passing day.  And day after day, the fire continued to beat the firefighters.

Several parts of town had been on a one-hour evacuation alert ever since the very first day.  That meant if an evacuation were called, they would have one hour to get out of town.  For days, all around town, parking lots were filled with cars loaded up with valuables, pets, necessities, and with boats and trailers hitched up. People couldn't risk the chance of an evacuation being called while they were at the grocery store.  They wouldn't have time to go back home and get their pets and valuables, so they took them with them everywhere.  It was surreal and all of it added to my fear.  What if the fire hits town?  What if it levels the town?  What if there's no economy left?  What if everyone moves away? 

On the fifth day, the evacuation of over 20,000 people was ordered. Townspeople were scattered all over the area and even all over the state.  Some friends and their pets came to stay with us.  We tuned into the press conferences 2-3 times per day.  Every day was the same: no progress, zero containment of "the monster".    Sheriff's officers came by with pamphlets about how to prepare for evacuation.  Let me tell you, I was way ahead of them with photos, heirlooms, valuables, paperwork, pet supplies and more being collected into storage bins in the living room.  That knot in my stomach was turning into an ulcer.

I was plagued with fear and the What Ifs pulled at me like an undertow in the ocean.  What if we have to evacuate? What if our house burns down?  What if it turns our woods into a charred wasteland?  What if we have to move away?  What if we can't sell the land?  What if we have to stay? What if we don't get enough insurance money to rebuild?  On and on they needled me, jabbing me with fresh fear thoughout each day.  I remember cherishing those first few seconds of the morning before I was fully awake, when I did not yet remember about the fire and our circumstances. Those brief moments were the only time I felt normal or safe.  For those few seconds only, I didn't feel the gnawing pain in my stomach caused by my fear of the fire and all that it could take from me.  All too quickly, reality invaded my awakening mind, and the knot and fear would be back.

It took well into the next week for the happy news to come over the TV from our favorite fire spokesman.  Five percent containment!  Woohoo!  We rejoiced as if the fire was over entirely. Finally there was a shred of hope. With this happy news I began to exhale. The crisis had abated by just 5% but it allowed me to catch my breath and shake off the panic.  Somehow ---God must have plopped it right into my being (another "jump start" I suppose) --- I realized what I need to do when I'm faced with an onslaught of the What Ifs.  Most people say to ignore the What Ifs. Don't go there, they day.  Don't worry about what hasn't happened yet. Don't borrow trouble, etc.  Contrary to this, one day during evacuation, I found myself seriously asking all the questions that had been circling around me like sharks, sharks that I knew were there but kept trying to ignore.

Then, cha-ching, the so-obvious-it-escaped-me method of dealing with the What Ifs unfolded for me.  Not only did I start asking  the haunting What Ifs, I actually began to answer them!   "WHAT IF we have to evacuate?"  "Well," I answered, "we have about seven family members that we could go stay with in the state. We have a bunch of friends that we could stay with, too.  People would help us.  OK, if we had to evacuate, we wouldn't be out on the street."

Next up: "WHAT IF our house burns down?"  "OK, it would be sad.  Very sad. We'd lose some precious things, and it would hurt a lot.  We'd have to start over.  We have insurance so we'd get another home built somewhere.  It would be an inconvenience and a sadness for a long time, but we wouldn't be homeless."

On and on I went, imagining myself in the very situations that had taunted me all week.  As I answered the What Ifs, I found they lost their power over me.  Facing them and seeing them straight on,  I saw they were not as frightening as they were when they hovered around my periphery. I discovered that, though it would be sad, difficult, and inconvenient, it wouldn't be the end of the world.  I learned that I could get through it with God's help.

I think what makes the What Ifs so frightening and stressful is the huge element of the unknown they contain. When I go ahead and ask AND answer them, it takes the threats, the challenges, and the issues out of the realm of the unexplored and places them into the realm of the explored. They seem to lose quite a bit of their power over me that way.  And it snaps me out of my panic mode and helps usher me into trusting God.

One week after the evacuation was called, it was lifted.  Over 450 structures were lost in the fire that burned 465,000 acres before it was finished.  Two of our friends lost their homes.  It was a difficult and emotional time.  "The Fire" seemed to consume the entire summer right along with all those miles of forest. 

I took away a great lesson from that whole ordeal.  It's a lesson that pairs nicely with my "Though He Slay Me" experience through which I realized that even if God allowed "the worst" to happen in my life, He would be the only means of me getting through it.  They both lead me to TRUST Him with whatever I'm afraid of.  Now, when assaulted with the What Ifs, I try to remember early on to go ahead and ask.  And answer.  Answering them makes me realize I have God's provision, help and strength available to see me through whatever "what if" scenario might come to pass. This in turn helps me TRUST Him and find rest from much of my fear.