SHAKING OFF. CHANGING GEARS. FEARING.
I find now, a few months and a couple holidays after my second writing conference, I'm still a bit muddled. (See preceding post.) I think a lot of it's because of fear. Fear because I've felt drawn (beckoned, compelled) to write differently than I've dared to before. More openly. More honestly. Broader and wider.
I'm also muddled about how to write. When I started this blog about fear, even though my sidebar states, "Hey, I'm no authority," I think deep down I felt I had to speak authoritatively. It only stifled me, this subtle, unwelcome notion that if I'm to speak to the matter of fear and be of any help to others I must take on some bolstered voice of wisdom. And it probably produced some awkward words. Maybe none of what I've felt has shown up between the lines. Maybe it's only obvious to me. Maybe it's been glaringly clear.
I still feel the weight of the "thing" hanging around trying to misshape my writing. I think the trouble lies in the mantle "be of some help". It's made me feel I have to rise up high in my chair and have something to teach. But what I learn most from is a bared heart. What God uses most in my life is someone else's story, lived out before me in written words. Live and up close. I want to learn to write that way. Live and up close. Not just past tense with a safe distance between my words and my heart.
I've felt the voice of vulnerability beckoning me into new territory for this blog. I want to dare to bare more of my real journey. I think I want to. (She says, afraid of her own words, snatching them away immediately after they've left her fingers.) I want to, but I'm afraid to. I'm not sure how to do this thing I see out there motioning me to come. I'm not sure what it will look like. But I think it includes a broader spectrum of experiences, lessons, and revelations from my own time with God. More present tense, so to speak. Broader than merely dealing with fear directly, though fear is still at the root of most things for me.
So, I'm changing gears here on this blog. Soon it will have a new name. Because I want to write more broadly, I'll change the name from "From Fear to Eternity" to a name that has been a prayer of mine for several years. I'll attempt to freshen up the sidebar here on the blog, include a broader scope of life with God, and a broader picture of my journey with Him. Journeys from fear to trust are many faceted. Perhaps you'll even see some of my raw journal entries, full of their questions, ponderings, evolutions of thought, discoveries. Sometimes there may just be the questions, unanswered and reverberating.
We'll just have to wait and see what comes.
In our Christian Communicators training, we teach that God can take our messes and use them for His glory...if we let Him. And we have a perfect example in Paul. In Romans 7 Paul says (my paraphrase) "I don't know why I do the things I do! I don't do what I know I should do and I do what I know I shouldn't do. Oh, what a wretched man (woman) I am!"
ReplyDeleteWhat a picture of transparency and realness, and yet Paul is the one we look to the most (other than Jesus) in the New Testament. If Paul, the writer and teacher of much of the NT thought it important enough to be real, I believe we should, too.
Also consider that God didn't direct the scribes of His Word to leave out the mistakes and only share the successes. Nope. He included the ups and downs, the good with the bad, the things they learned and the things they still struggled with.
Yes, it's scary--my goodness, this week I talked about nose hair on the Christian Communicators blog!--but it's only when we take off the masks and let down our walls that He can truly work through us.
Go for it, Judi. You'll be scared, you'll wonder if people will still love you, but it's through our transparency that God can use us best.
And that way our scars and mistakes don't go to waste!
I got an encouraging comment from a friend regarding this post. It came via email and I don't want to lose track of it, so I'm copying it here for my own sake:
ReplyDelete"I love your heart Judi--your personal sharing on your journey, insights from where your at, the word and just life are an encouragement. I'm excited to see where God is taking you!
Love, J"
Thanks, Vonda, for your encouragement. Yes, it's vulnerable, honest writing that teaches me most -- because it hits me in my reality and makes me know I'm not alone in those thoughts and experiences. I so appreciate Paul's writing in Romans, letting us know he's not some Super Christian. Why it's so frightening to crack open my coat and expose my soul to my fellow humans doesn't really make much sense given the truth that we all have the same general struggles in this life. But that is my journey. And as Cec Murphey writes in his book, Unleashing the Writer Within, "that's all I have to offer." ....Thanks for your support. :-)
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