Is Safe Enough Safe Enough?

Generally speaking, I've wanted all my fears to go away before I would trust God in a scary situation. Just take my fear away, God, and then I'll move forward, do that thing, obey Your bidding, etc.  I came to realize a couple things about this desire of mine, however. One: That's not really trusting God at all. It's more like trusting myself - if I'm not afraid of something then I have a pretty good notion that I can handle it. If I think I can handle it, then I'm not likely to trust God with it.

Two: God is much more interested in my spiritual maturity, my heart, and my having an intimate trusting relationship with Him than He is interested in my physical safety. I didn't like this at all. Sometimes I still don't. But if I can step out of my fearful circumstances for a moment and get an eternal perspective on things, I realize that my life on this earth here is very short and eternity is very long. I have to admit, investing in the long term is wiser than being driven by every whim and panic of the immediate.

It took me a long time to come to this eternal perspective. (And like I said, it sometimes gets lost behind an onslaught of fear.)  I fought it for years as kind of a subconscious undercurrent of resistance. When God would point it out to me through some insight, reminder, or circumstance, I would stomp my feet and look the other way. It was as if I was holding out for another option. God had given me a choice between two ways to live my life. Option A is His way where He decides what is "safe enough" in my life and I trust Him with all that concerns me. Option B is where I refuse to trust His way and therefore suffer continued fear, disharmony with Him, and a lack of any peace. I didn't want either A or B. I wanted Option C, the one where God keeps me safe from all harm, all injury, all fear AND I have an intimate relationship with Him and all the peace He offers. I refused to make my choice between A and B because I was subconsciously holding out for an Option C. Only problem was, there is no Option C. God only offers A and B.

I spent quite awhile refusing to choose. Years. It was as if I was a student taking a test and my pencil was hovering over the multiple choice question, not liking either choice. My pencil remained poised, suspended, waiting, unwilling. I kept putting off the decision, holding out for some magical appearance of another option more suited to me. Where was my Option C?! I want C!  I was unwilling to accept that my preference simply wasn't an option offered by God.

One day I realized that by not choosing A, I in fact was choosing B. Over and over again. Every day. By not choosing to submit to God being God and trusting Him with my fear and my life, I was passively choosing Option B, to do things on my own and forfeit the shelter of His peace.

What it all boiled down to was that I believed in my heart that what God says is "safe enough" for me was not safe enough for me. There are all kinds of references in the Bible that reveal God does not protect us from all harm. Just remembering the Christian martyrs of the Bible and down through history tells us that. He Himself tells us that in this world we will have tribulation. I hated that. I fought that. I fought tooth and nail from accepting this truth. I questioned God's goodness and His love. I questioned everything. I was desperately afraid to trust a God who practically guarantees that life will hurt. Even life with Him. I just didn't want it to be so. I didn't want "safe enough." I wanted SAFE. All Caps. Bold. Period. Thorough and complete safety.

I resisted accepting what I already knew: that no such safety exists this side of heaven. Oh, how I wanted Option C! This fight went on for years in me. It wasn't an every day thing, but circumstances and events continued to bring it to my attention. God was gracious to sustain me with times of spiritual growth during those years, too. Even though I was resisting trusting Him, He was sweet enough to concentrate on convincing me of His love for me. What an amazing God. Here I am, a scared rabbit hiding in the corner with all my anger and fear keeping Him at bay from me, and He humbly and patiently woos me. How tender and gracious is that! I'm basically thumbing my nose at Him and He stoops down, condescends, to help me believe His love and goodness!  Perfect love casts out fear. He knew I would not trust Him unless I truly believed He loves me and has my very best at heart.