Fear and Trust in a Train Station

"Lord, all my desire is before Thee; and my sighing is not hidden from Thee.  My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me."   ~Psalm 38:9-10

Next to this verse, written in the margin of a worn Bible of mine, is the date July 3, 1984.  I was so scared as the train I was on arrived in Germany. It was my first time in a country that didn't speak English. I was alone. It was the middle of the night, and I had to change trains. But first I had a two hour layover. 

Did I mention that it was in the middle of the night?  In a foreign country?  It was also in an underground train station.  In the middle of the ni.... well you get the picture:  I was scared.  No, I was gripped with fear. And didn't know how to deal with it. To be honest, in my naivete, I think I was mostly afraid of the train change. I was so afraid of getting on the wrong train. But I also felt an overall vulnerability and I didn't know what awaited me.
I prayed for the concerns in my heart:  protection, someone safe to help direct me, that I'd get on the right train. Still, fear was squeezing my heart. 

About 20 minutes away from the station, I reached for my Bible to calm my fears. I leafed through the Psalms, the comforting Psalms, and found this verse.


"Lord, all my desire is before Thee, and my sighing is not hidden from Thee."  (Psalm 38:9-10)

The words of the psalmist, spoken from his own overwhelming experience, seemed to reach into every cell of my body.  It brought me comfort just to hear those words.  They brought me to what I needed to do.  As I read this verse, I seemed to throw all my "desire", all my emotion and fear, out in front of me and before God saying, "Here it is. Help me." 

I was still afraid, I still felt the squeeze on my heart, but it was much less than it was before.  Somehow the words of a comrade in the trenches of an overwhelming battle enticed me to take hold of all the fear in my heart and place it before God.  I think that may have been the first time I actually trusted Him with my fears, rather than simply panicking in front of Him through prayer.

As I remember the situation, I had thought the American guy sitting near me on the train, with whom I had had some conversation during our ride, would be a help and comfort to me during my layover.  But no.  He seemed to specifically not want anything to do with being chivalrous to a young lady alone in a foreign underground train station in the middle of the night.  Once he got himself and his huge backpack off the train, he charged off on his personal mission. I was on my own.

Once I got off the train and saw how nearly vacant the place was, I realized just how vulnerable my situation was. The only place for me to ask a question about my next train was inside a bar. As I went in, it was the very definition of "seedy looking". Dark. Gloomy yellow lights scattered here and there throughout the place. Men whose heads all turned when this 24 year old girl came walking in alone at 2:00 in the morning. But the bartender helped me. He told me where my next train would arrive. 
Still feeling fearful, I was peeved at the American guy and his lack of compassion for my situation. I thought he must have been in a hurry to catch his own train but I later saw him leaning against a wall with his backpack, simply waiting.  I was on my own, without a protector, as far as people go.  

In hindsight, I see that this was one of those "good" things that seemed on the surface to not be good. I was on my own; I had to trust God.  The work of trust I experienced on the train approaching the station required a continued trust throughout my two hour wait. 

The comfort I received from reading the words of another desperate soul has stuck with me over all these years.  This verse reminds me how I can cast all my anxiety on Him because He cares for me (1 Peter 5:7).  More than just the statement of fact in 1 Peter, this verse in the Psalms was like getting a glimpse of someone actually doing it.  And it helped me do it.

God protected me during my two hour wait. He kept me safe while I "enjoyed" the company of a drunken Asian guy who joined me on my lone train platform in a dead-end alcove. And I did indeed make it onto the right train. I will always remember that situation. The fear, the real vulnerability, the comfort from the Psalms, and the trust in God joined together to make a milestone experience for me.

"casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you."  ~ 1 Peter 5:7