When I Am Afraid

I realized something important the other day. I had what I call an "Aha-Duh" moment. Suddenly with new eyes I see something clearly and the insight makes such a difference. It's an "Aha" moment. But, on the other hand, it's such a simple and seemingly obvious concept that it also makes me say, "Duh!", in that I really should have figured it out long ago.

One of my favorite fear verses has been Psalm 56:3-4

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee.
In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust.
I will not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?

Though my immediate answer to that final question for many years was "A lot!", I'm learning that because of God's goodness and my eternal destination, the pain of this earthly life is ultimately inconsequential. This whole matter is deserving of a post of it's own, but for now, I want to share with you my Aha-Duh moment.

Sometimes when I get hit with an attack of giant butterflies of fear, making my stomach hurt with anxiety over some pressing issues, it's usually because I haven't fully taken them to God and hashed them out with Him. In the midst of one of these onslaughts, usually in the middle of the night or early morning hours, I will often recite this verse to myself.  The other morning, it just wasn't working very well. The anxiety in my stomach just kept eating at me. My husband has his own unique description for that awful feeling of nervousness or fear in the stomach. Instead of butterflies, he refers to them as rocks. This way he can describe their degree by using the terms pebbles, stones, rocks, or boulders.

The other morning I had boulders. My verse wasn't helping shrink them. Then it hit me. I need to follow up with another one of my favorite verses from the Psalms. Psalm 62:8 says,

Trust in Him at all times, O people
Pour out your heart before Him
God is a refuge for us.

I realized that I tend toward the habit of keeping my fears under the radar of identification. I fall victim to what Proverbs 3:25 advises against: "Do not be afraid of sudden fear..." I often have an image of a whole category that causes me fear and when my mind ventures onto it, a huge wave of fear rolls through my stomach. The fear can make me more afraid. I can get afraid of the sudden attack of fear. I've grown over the years and continue learning to take these painful waves to God and release them to Him. The panic subsides (usually) and I rest a bit in His presence and trustworthiness. But when I stop here, I'm still not working through the fears with Him. Usually I don't even clearly identify them. I'm too busy riding the initial wave that has only grown larger by the "fear of the fear" added to it. 

When the general category that causes the original anxiety hits me in the face (and in the stomach) I turn from it and turn to God as fast as I can. But that's only the first step, the purpose of which is to stop the panic. (Aha!) The next step is to intentionally identify the specific things I'm fearing, and one-by-one, discuss them with God, handing them over to Him. I need to "pour out my heart before Him".  If I don't, the specifics remain unresolved and merely covered up for the moment. (Duh!) I merely threw a blanket of trust over top of the collective them. It feels better for a time but what I need to do is pick each item up, hold it up to the light, tell God all about it, and then hand it to Him. Only when I specifically identify what I'm afraid of and tell God - not just myself or the air - can I actually be cleaned out.

God can work with my fears honestly admitted to Him.  God can work with my anger, disappointment, and any emotions that are run amuck. What He can't work with is pretense. Avoidance. Pretending I'm making it through. If I present my fear generically, or superficially, to God, then my healing from them will be superficial also. If I throw a blanket of trust over the top of specific fears that I simply don't want to take the time to look in the face and name, then I will receive some peace. But in my experience, it seems to be a short-lived and superficial peace.

There are layers to fear. Each one gets more detailed and more specific. If I don't deal with all the layers and all the details, I find they remain to rear their ugly heads later on. The trust and peace I gain from turning my fears over to God will only be as effective as my turning over has been specific. So far, I recognize three layers of fear: the Panic Layer, the Specific Layer, and the Repercussions Layer. I need to examine each layer, work through each thing, pour out my heart to God about each item of my fear. I need to come to the place of trusting Him with each specific item in all the layers.

Here's an example: say your spouse is in the military, fighting overseas. You worry about their safety and just the mere thought of the dangers they face can set the boulders to rocking in your stomach. That's the general category, the Panic Layer. Taking the panic layer to Psalm 54:3-4 can help us catch our breath and subdue the panic enough so we can bravely delve into the next layer, the Specifics Layer.

The Specifics Layer is where live all the specific things you're afraid of. Afraid he'll be in the wrong place at the wrong time, get hit, get hurt, die. Pouring out our hearts to God about our specific fears can bring us specific peace that runs through each item. That peace is beyond all human understanding because our God is so big and so amazing that He can grant us a genuine peaceful heart in the face of the worst circumstances.

The next layer lurks deeper still and the fears running amuck down here are spin-offs from those in the Specifics Layer. They are in  the Repercussions Layer. Repercussions of the specifics, in our example, might look like the following. If he gets hurt, it could be bad. It could mean I'd have to fly over to the base in Germany to be with him. I'm afraid of the fear I'll have on the journey. I'm afraid about finding someone to take care of the kids while I'm gone. I'm afraid of what I'll find when I see him. I'm afraid it might be a long road to recovery. I'm afraid if he loses a limb that life will become so difficult I won't be able to cope. I'm afraid he won't be able to cope. I'm afraid he'll die. I'm afraid I won't be able to survive the pain of losing him. I'm afraid of having to deal with all the decisions of a funeral. I'm afraid of raising the kids without a father. I'm afraid of the decisions of where to now live, how I'll start over.

God is a refuge for us, in all the layers of our fears. Running to Him is like running into a cave to seek shelter and protection from a torrential rain. The farther in we go, the more protected we are from the rain. Sometimes it takes courage to even identify our fears. If we don't, though, if we only address the Panic Layer, it's like stopping at the mouth of that refuge cave. We're no longer getting pelted by the full force of the rain but  we're still getting wet because we haven't gone far enough inside. Not only do I need the initial panic to subside, I need to make sure I press on and into all the layers of my fear, taking each item out of hiding and to the feet of my Father. Only then will I receive the deep reaching peace I crave.

Ahaaaa.   Duh!

When I am afraid I will put my trust in Thee
In God whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust
I will not be afraid.  ~Psalm 56:3-4

Trust in Him at all times, O people

Pour out your heart before Him
God is a refuge for us.
~Psalm 62:8